Oh I missed this, a date with Mac. I’ve been to many places with him, enjoying a cup of coffee while I tell him whatever is on my mind, all the doubts, failures and lessons. We’ve been to Paris, Rome, Bali, Japan, and a few other romantic places. I like to end the trip with a simple evening, two of us.
Ya… Mac is not a boy, you got it, hahaha. His last name is Book, Mac Book.
I decided to go back to Mac, after all the failed dating. A little update in London, I tried to date again, and already burned out. The most horrible thing my ex did is to throw me back to this dating life after setting the bar soooo high. So awful, to go back to ‘hey let’s grab a drink’ from ‘hey i am faking a 7 days business trip in your country just to ask you out for dinner every night after the first time I saw you’. Back to waiting for a text from a guy from ‘whenever you have time, you call me, I would make it work’.
And back to realising that I am still not breaking the pattern. Before I met my last ex, I’ve been single for 5 years, after I had two years of emotionally abusive relations and few things in between. I read my old journal. I’ve been a hopeless romantic since I was a kid. I always believe and longing for love, then I become someone who’s scared of it.
The problem is I love love, I always wanted to be just committed with one person. Truly having someone, I don’t find dating many considered fun, I am overwhelmed with options. I thought the relationship I had with my last ex, prove that I got over it. I think from that I learned that I could find someone so sincere, and love as genuine as me. And even when it hurts when it ends, the pain is worth all the good side of love again.
Until a few months ago, I found someone that clicks 9/10 of the boxes and I told him I don’t want to see him anymore. While the truth is I freak out, I am afraid that I start to fall for him. I am so frustrated with myself, because the original plan was to tell him, I found potential in us, but all the words that come from my mouth are ‘I don’t want to see you anymore’.
I started to have therapy again afterward.
Turn out blaming myself for the mistakes, not going to solve anything. Not so surprising, it turns out I am always too harsh on myself. I love myself, to love is not my problem, but sometimes I don’t know how to show it. I have no idea how to break those walls.
Having this pattern for more than 5 years is frustrating. I burn out. But i guess just like all the burn out we need to take a bit of rest and stop trying too hard. Maybe the wall is never meant to break. It means to be there, to protect us somehow. What we need to do is just find the secret door.
As my therapist said, after you understand you understand the wisdom behind your trauma. To properly heal, no other way but to face what you are afraid of. But this time, try another way, try to be kinder to yourself. Try to celebrate every small step. Try to be more patient with yourself. Try to appreciate that little courage.
Try to see the failure of expectation as I am going to get better.
I said to a friend, do not date someone between 27-35, they are in a damaged era. Their ex just disappointed them. Date below the range before the damage happens, or older, after they learn from it. And for us in this era, well we are in this together, the problem is if we postpone the process of facing our fear, we might not be as attractive anymore when we want to try again.
Some said to me, maybe you just have not yet found the right one.
That’s probably true also, you need someone that likes you enough, to understand your fear, and help you face it. Someone that you like enough, to say he is worth more than the fear. And it wouldn’t be a good story to tell to you children if you succeed at the first attempt. So expect a few failures, and rejection, until it doesn’t stink anymore. Then you can return to love properly, without fear.
London, 14 December 2025
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