Another Saturday night in Jakarta, mom called and told me to go out so here I am in a walk distance cafe ordering dinner in front of Mac, the laptop, not the boy. Not yet 30s but I can feel the vibes already, it’s actually just a new 20s with a little more money, way less time, more back pain and different life problems. I know, you can’t see it cause I laugh a lot and behave like a child, but if you really talk to me, inside, I am way more mature than my age, the phase I experience quite early compared to common.
An early 20s boy said to me, “age doesn’t matter, it does not define maturity”, Right, not the ages that define but experiences based on the phase of life. Let’s metaphor life as playing a game. I am not into games, I know nothing about mobile or pc games. Never lend your PS5, cause all I can do with it is just random fast press to all the buttons, might traumatize your favorite, eh what’s the name of that item, cursor, panel? Ah, whatever. But recently, I proudly call myself a gamer, even asking the gaming team to recruit me cause I play ‘Project Makeover’. Well, it’s basically a child game, a combination of candy crush and an early stage of the sims when you need to pick the dress and the hair.
Okay, forget about my incapability to play games, what I wanna say is when I play the games I have a quest in every stage. They will give a story of someone with a messy look and room, then I need to makeover that person, but to open every item I need to collect coins by completing the quest, with different tasks and requests. So, think of it as a life. I am that messy person in the story, I am not looking messy but something inside me is, the thought, the vision, the characters. And if I want to fix it then I need to play games of life, trying to figure out the answers of the quest and finish the request. I need to experience the rain and strom that keep repeating, until I understand and change myself so I can see the rainbow and sun. And just like the games, each stage has a different story, different element inside that needs to be improved.
Just like the games, I need to follow the order of the level, nothing to skip. I have not read any philosophy book so I don’t know what is the ending for all of this character development but if I might guess it is to be more alike with the image of God. Ough, sorry, sounds too religious, so can revamp it to be at peace with yourself. Again just like games, each of us can play different games but it all has the same basic logic. We might have different stories, different problems, different timing but required to pass the same life crisis.
Year ago, someone randomly told me that I might face another life crisis soon, And I was like, Oh shit, I just passed a quarter life crisis a few years back. Worried? For sure, but then I told myself, treat life as playing games, if not only focus on the prize, you’ll find the fun in every quest. And I will look less messy at the end of every task, I’ll find more peace inside.
I would love to congratulate myself for graduating from the quarter life crisis. I still remember how shit it felt, comparing myself, feeling left behind, worried about the future, and full of insecurity. I wanted a bright career, better future, more expensive items, popularity, and the need to be the best. I worked so hard but it seems so far, like everybody else was just reaching it in a flip. Then I pass the valley of darkness to finally understand that it doesn’t really matter, then the doors start opening one by one when you are not holding too hard on the superficial. Ough, sorry sounds like a monk. I do still love expensive items, don’t get me wrong, but I am not attached to them, and do not value people based on it. I am happy when others are happy, not comparing myself or people’s achievement anymore. I accept myself as it is, the flaws and all uniqueness. I wanted to be liked by many, now as long as I love myself that’s enough. I feel more at peace.
But just like a game, one madness ends is a new beginning for another one. I told a friend that I feel lost.
He said, “What? Lost? No you are not. Your life is on track, you have a job, friends and family…. You are not like somebody that is lost and doing stupid things, you live well.”
No, wrong. I am doing stupid things of course, but not on that level which will ruin life like drugs or gambling or stupid financial decisions. And I am not complaining much about life aside from my singleness, kidding not kidding, but now I am on the stage where I know this is a phase that I should take, I love myself, and I am enough taking poor decisions for romance.
But I feel lost, like I am not sure what the plan is. I know what I want in general, not completely lost, yet, but not as clear and precise as before. I used to know every stage, like I knew which college I wanna go to since I was in kindergarten. But now, I am not so sure. One theory of mine is, because 30s are trapped between 20s and 40s, between ambition and stability. But I don’t know, I don’t know. It makes me feel lost.
Life prepared me for these last 2 years. I was living in Bali. I am not enjoying small talk much but I do love listening to people’s stories. I have your live movie played in my head while listening to your story, and it is as interesting as watching a movie or reading a book. But no one would watch a movie called, “Red is my favorite color”, we wanna watch, “The pain that makes you who you are”. And I sense a lot of people feeling lost, same as what I feel now, especially those in their early 30s.
I was required to use a masculine mask for a big part of my life, taking responsibility, needed to be capable and taking direction. And I don’t want that in my relationship or friendship. I value equality but the boat needs a captain to not sink, and I rather be the cheerleader. But of course I need to be sure that you are stronger, more capable and reliable. And if you don’t even know what you want, how could I put trust in you? How could you direct me somewhere, if you are lost.
Then I know, it’s just a stage of life, And it’s okay to be lost, you might need it to be found again, And we do not always need to know, not always can predict the ending, otherwise the surprise and fun element will be gone. So who is the best guide when you lose? Ask your heart, you know the answer.
Shameful, you know I am a hopeless romantic. But, no one is ever able to guide you unless at least you are able to see the light. And I know, this phase and journey is not about other people or even a significant one. Just like a game, life puts other people or maybe destined you to meet some, because they are like the skin or weapon on your games. Vice versa, life also could use us in other people’s quest, to play some role that may be important or may be not. Better to not hate or regret but cherish the moment, and play best in our role to others. It is about me and me, you and you, also might include something greater than us. Whom we can surrender yet trust. Just like a game, this loss might be fun in some way.
Then, let me end this writing by copy-pasting nice poems.
For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace.
What do people really get for all their hard work?
I have seen the burden God has placed on us all.
Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.
So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can.
Jakarta, June 10, 2023
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